Feeling out of it

[figmo]

It's irrational, I suppose, but there are some days when I feel like I Just Don't Belong. Right now is one of them.

First I was looking for Dr. Jane's lyrics and came across a site with a list of "Who's Who in Filking." People who'd been in filking far less time than me were listed. People who'd never chaired a con or put out a tape or been a GOH were listed. I wasn't.

Then I saw Alan Thiesen's note saying the only part they hadn't cast for "HMS Trek-a-Star" was "Chekov." I'd said I was interested a while back, and I hadn't heard anything. Somehow all the female roles got cast with me not being invited to participate. (I am not playing a guy. Just don't go there.)

Then a bunch of folks were complimenting each other on their looks on #filkhaven. I look in the mirror and go, "Eeeuw. You again?" Nobody "corrected" me. It reminded me of the time my father said, "You know, you're above-average looking" -- on the night before my wedding.

Maybe it's me coming off the Albuterol, but I feel lousy.

Comments

[bardling.livejournal.com]

Or maybe it's due to simple practicalities?
I have met the other people involved, I know I they look and thus have an opinion. I haven't met you yet, I can't form an opinion on how you look without having seen you, can I?

*hugs*

[figmo.livejournal.com]

You, no; not sure about the others.

As I said, it's probably the Albuterol.

I wasn't there

[filker0.livejournal.com]

On Filkhaven, at least, I wasn't there. If I had been, I would have said something. You might not have professed to believe me, but that has no effect on the inner psyche when it comes to these things, and I've grown accustomed to not being openly believed, so I continue to say such things because I mean them, and because I can write run-on sentances with the best of them.

Your reality check is in the mail

[mdlbear]

The owner of that "who's who" site is not exactly an unbiased observer of the filk scene. I wouldn't regard it as particularly authoritative; not only are you and I not in it, but neither is Cindy McQuillan, who has been filking for years and was putting out tapes and songbooks long before OCP was founded.

Re: Your reality check is in the mail

[figmo.livejournal.com]

Holy sh*t. You're right. She's even in the Filk Hall of Fame, for heaven's sake!

Sanity checked.

[kyttn.livejournal.com]

Maybe it is the Albuterol, and maybe not. I've been there, am there, and understand completely. There is a reason I don't go to #filkhaven much anymore. I've never felt like I really belong - and I've always assumed it is only me, and only my problem, because I really don't feel like I belong anywhere. I do know it isn't deliberate, and sometimes people just don't see those of us who are asking for a little reassurance. Or, in my case, I suspect they get tired of giving it. Sometimes it doesn't help even if we get the expected comments because it is given in a manner that says they are doing it because they "have to", not because they feel that way.

*hugs*. I don't think your feelings should be dismissed out of hand, but from what I've heard about you and the pictures I've seen of you, I don't think you have anything to worry about. For some reason or another things have happed all at once, but I've never gotten the impression that you were anything but an attractive talented lady, who is appreciated by those who know her.

Maya

[hitchhiker.livejournal.com]

Hm - I've never really felt like I belonged on #filkhaven either, but I figured it was because nearly everyone there knew each other IRL and I didn't. Still a fun place to hang out in, but it does have a massively cliquish feel at times.

[figmo.livejournal.com]

I think there are chunks of folks who have met IRL, and folks who haven't met any of them. I always wondered how owlrigh felt when she hadn't met any of us in person, whereas you've at least met a handfull of us.

[kyttn.livejournal.com]

Let me state for the record here as well -

The folks on #filkhaven never deliberately leave anyone out. There are also certain people who go out of their way to make me feel welcome whenever I do peek in. Of course, those who hang out together more will feel closer, and that is to be expected. There are wonderful people there, some I dearly love, others I am fond of, some who irritate me as much as I probably irritate them. That happens in any group. I'm not knocking the channel, just stting the facts about how I feel, and an understanding of how others might feel the same.

[figmo.livejournal.com]

Thanks. I feel a little saner.

[mneme]

I'm glad your reality was adjusted -- you do, in fact, exist (hell, your filkers list is even linked to from multiple places, which is a good thing, even if it doesn't link to YT).

[figmo.livejournal.com]

My Filkers List is severely out of date. Note the "last updated" date on the bottom.