Awkward Situation 101

[figmo]

There's a housefilk today. I do not want to go.

The guy in the couple has specifically asked me if I was going to be there. I have no intention of showing up.

Years ago his wife had unprotected sex with my then-boyfriend behind my back. She knew how I'd feel about it, yet did so anyway. To this day she thinks she did nothing wrong.

I caught something from their encounter. I spent six months waiting before I could take the AIDS test to find out whether I had caught that, too.

He is a very nice guy who is welcome in my home anytime. She, OTOH, is not welcome in my home. Ever. Period. As such, I don't feel right going to their house for a filk.

He knows she did something with my then-boyfriend years ago; he doesn't know the full extent of it. If he questions me directly on why I didn't show, what should I say? Should I be direct and tell him exactly why, or should I sugar-coat it?

Comments

[johno.livejournal.com]

Take the high road, even if he asks point blank, don't answer him.

Don't ignore his question, but refuse to answer. Don't hint about it either.

A simple "I don't want to discuss it" is all that is needed.

[bikergeek.livejournal.com]

Right. what johno said.

another viewpoint

[firecat]

I've had more than one partner who has pissed off friends or lovers of mine to the point where they don't want to come to any events where that person is.

Personally, if that's the case, I would prefer to know something about what's going on. Otherwise, I might assume people are avoiding me or my events because of something specific about me or my events, rather than the presence of someone they don't like.

I prefer to know the whole story, but if a person isn't comfortable with that, I'd want to know at least "I'm not coming because I don't want to be around X."

But I'm not owed any explanation of non-presence. It's a preference.

Re: another viewpoint

[johno.livejournal.com]

Valid point.

"I'm sorry B..., It's not you, but I don't wish to discuss it."

[johno.livejournal.com]

You've asked in the past how we've made it so far not being the subjects of grudges and such.

C & I have talked about some.

We let things go.

We may remember, we may not forgive.

But we let it go.

We stop telling folks the story.
We stop letting it eat at us.

True we avoid the folks we have issues with, but we don't make a point of it.

If the person deliberately hurt us, we don't give them the satisfaction of driving us away from social places or circles, nor do we let them see us have any pain. We simply wander off or ignore them if they enter our extended personal space. (ie join a group conversation at a party).

If they unintentionally hurt us, but don't believe they did anything wrong. Then they are not worth the effort of knowing anyway, so we just let them fade from our world view.

Take the high road, don't take vengeance, don't hold a grudge, don't wast the emotional energy. You've got better things to do with it then hold on to hate or even just a major dis-like.

[figmo.livejournal.com]

You're not saying I should have shown up, are you? (Right now I'm exhausted. That carpet cleaner wore me out. I don't even want to run the errands I'd planned on running today.) IMHO it's one thing to not let her drive me out of a social circle and another to not feel like I want to go into her space. She is not welcome in my space, hence I do not feel welcome in hers.

When I see the woman in question, I'm not mean to her. I'm friendly, and I feel it's not my place to drag others into the triangle she helped create. Had I not run into her husband alone and had he not specifically asked me whether I was coming in an invitingly sort of way, and if I weren't the chair of the local filk con, I would not even be thinking about it.

Re:

[johno.livejournal.com]

No you have reasons to not to have gone.

But I think it still eats at you and you have better things to do use your emotional energy on.

[figmo.livejournal.com]

If this person had any remorse I'd have no problem forgiving them. Years ago another friend did something similar, but there were three differences:

1. She was very insecure. Guys suspected she was a lesbian because she was head of the campus Women's Center, had a short haircut, and hadn't had a date in years.
2. She knew she had done something wrong and felt bad about it.
3. I didn't catch anything from what she did.

That gal and I are friends again.

This gal, however, still maintains what she did was perfectly okay. When her husband asked her what she did (a mutual friend witnessed this), she sugar-coated it and left out crucial details like the "unprotected sex" part. I felt okay with forgiving the first gal because it was clear she valued my friendship. This other piece of work doesn't -- unless it's convenient for her.

Re:

[johno.livejournal.com]

All valid reasons for not forgeting.
All valid reasons for not forgiving.

None are valid reasons for holding onto it and letting it eat at you.

[figmo.livejournal.com]

That's not what's eating me alive.

I have other things capable of doing that.

awkward situation 101

[(Anonymous)]

This is Margaret Middleton; not really anonymous; just not an LJ subscriber.

If niceguyhubby with the ratwife actually asks, he's ready to hear the truth.