Awkward Situation 101

[figmo]

There's a housefilk today. I do not want to go.

The guy in the couple has specifically asked me if I was going to be there. I have no intention of showing up.

Years ago his wife had unprotected sex with my then-boyfriend behind my back. She knew how I'd feel about it, yet did so anyway. To this day she thinks she did nothing wrong.

I caught something from their encounter. I spent six months waiting before I could take the AIDS test to find out whether I had caught that, too.

He is a very nice guy who is welcome in my home anytime. She, OTOH, is not welcome in my home. Ever. Period. As such, I don't feel right going to their house for a filk.

He knows she did something with my then-boyfriend years ago; he doesn't know the full extent of it. If he questions me directly on why I didn't show, what should I say? Should I be direct and tell him exactly why, or should I sugar-coat it?

Comments

[figmo.livejournal.com]

You're not saying I should have shown up, are you? (Right now I'm exhausted. That carpet cleaner wore me out. I don't even want to run the errands I'd planned on running today.) IMHO it's one thing to not let her drive me out of a social circle and another to not feel like I want to go into her space. She is not welcome in my space, hence I do not feel welcome in hers.

When I see the woman in question, I'm not mean to her. I'm friendly, and I feel it's not my place to drag others into the triangle she helped create. Had I not run into her husband alone and had he not specifically asked me whether I was coming in an invitingly sort of way, and if I weren't the chair of the local filk con, I would not even be thinking about it.

Re:

[johno.livejournal.com]

No you have reasons to not to have gone.

But I think it still eats at you and you have better things to do use your emotional energy on.

[figmo.livejournal.com]

If this person had any remorse I'd have no problem forgiving them. Years ago another friend did something similar, but there were three differences:

1. She was very insecure. Guys suspected she was a lesbian because she was head of the campus Women's Center, had a short haircut, and hadn't had a date in years.
2. She knew she had done something wrong and felt bad about it.
3. I didn't catch anything from what she did.

That gal and I are friends again.

This gal, however, still maintains what she did was perfectly okay. When her husband asked her what she did (a mutual friend witnessed this), she sugar-coated it and left out crucial details like the "unprotected sex" part. I felt okay with forgiving the first gal because it was clear she valued my friendship. This other piece of work doesn't -- unless it's convenient for her.

Re:

[johno.livejournal.com]

All valid reasons for not forgeting.
All valid reasons for not forgiving.

None are valid reasons for holding onto it and letting it eat at you.

[figmo.livejournal.com]

That's not what's eating me alive.

I have other things capable of doing that.