The Turkey Conspiracy

[figmo]

Every year on the fourth Thursday in November we celebrate a holiday in the US called "Thanksgiving." For reasons I have yet to understand, every year millions of people eagerly anticipate a meal they eat only once a year. The centerpiece is a huge bird called "turkey."

Turkey is vile, folks. Try tasting it with a blindfold on. There's a reason they call it "fowl," and it's not just because it's gallanaceous. That stuff tastes awful. Despite this, folks gobble up turkey -- pun intended -- in massive quantities on that day.

Why do folks like it so much? I can only guess it's because they've been told they like it to the point where they've been brainwashed. You know how, when your mother wanted you to eat something awful tasting, she'd tell you "You like it" to convince you to down it? I figure after enough years of being brainwashed, folks start to think they like it. Heck, I wish I liked turkey, but I don't. I never have. The bird has an icky taste to it. I don't know how to describe it other than to say chicken doesn't have that taste, but ostrich has an amplified version of the flavor I so dislike in turkey.

Anyhow, I figure all these other folks were brainwashed by their parents, who were brainwashed by their parents, and so forth to the point where we've bred a race of people who are easy to convince they like turkey. I can believe there is a small number of folks who really like it, just as there are people who like the smell of skunk. Nonetheless, I rather dislike this day because I get subjected to The Turkey Conspiracy.

Over a month before The Day, ads start popping up telling me about "golden brown, juicy turkey." I have never seen a turkey fitting that description. A few are brown; most are beige to tan. To get them to be "juicy" you have to go through great contortions.

Why on earth, then do people so eagerly look forward to this dinner of turkey combined with really weird foods we don't eat the rest of the year? If the Thanksgiving dinner was truly that wonderful, we'd eat it every week -- but we don't. Where did someone get the idea of cranberry gelatin in a can, slicing it, and serving it on meat? How did "Jell-o" get the name "sauce," anyway? Then there's this crazed concept of stuffing the bird with a bread mixture. Why put stuff in the bird when it takes uncomfortably long to cook as it is? Obviously the concept flies (the turkey doesn't), because the Stove-Top Stuffing folks have been making a mint on it for years.

As for the rest of the meal, sweet potatoes are sweet enough by themselves. Why add even more sugar to them? Mashed potatoes are another ucky food; they taste okay, but their texture isn't much off from library paste. Then there's string beans. Okay, I'm allergic to them anyway, so the point is moot.

Then there's dessert. Who would ever have thought of taking a vegetable -- a squash -- and making a pie out of it? Pumpkin pie is okay, but it's weird stuff. The concept is up there with tapioca and durian in the "who'd have thought to call this "food" category.

Despite my dislike for nearly the whole meal, I'm stuck going to my boyfriends' parents' Thanksgiving dinner. They have been totally brainwashed into thinking they like and must eat this meal. I, however, have my brain intact and will grit my teeth, slipping any turkey dumped on my plate to the dog, who'll eat almost anything.

Comments

[folkmew.livejournal.com]

Ok, I just can't resist replying that both Ed and I love Turkey. In fact, we love it enough that we roast it on more than just Thanksgiving. We also love leftover turkey, turkey sandwhiches, turkey soup with wild rice. We love stuffing (this year I made cornbread stuffing with chestnuts, apples and maple sausage.) We love gravy. We love cranberries in a variety of forms (this year I made a really delicious weight watcher's recipe of apricot cranberry sauce)... the only thing we don't agree on is that I enjoy pumpkin pie and he abhors it. So I made pumpkin flan (custard) and he ate my homemade apple crisp.

So - well - there's an example of someone who totally loves Thanksgiving dinner enough to eat parts of it on a much more frequent basis than once a year. :-)

De Gustibus Non Est Disputandum

[tnatj.livejournal.com]

Turkey? You don't like turkey? >shocked look< Well, if this keeps up, I guess I'll never die.

However, I do agree with you on the sweet potato, the "stuffing" and cranberry "sauce". Vile things.

And, yes, pumpkin pie is weird, although I like it. I do prefer most fruit pies (particularly apple pie made with Northern Spies).

Re: De Gustibus Non Est Disputandum

[figmo.livejournal.com]

Q: What is/are Northern Spies?

Northern Spies

[scottscidmore.livejournal.com]

One variety of apple, a large, later ripening type. Not as tart as Jonathans or Macintosh.

I, too, like turkey. When the MadHouse was towether we'd have it because there were enough people to consume a bird; this was generally well away from Nov-Dec.

I also like mashed potatoes, pick the right type of potatoes and whip them a bit after mashing.

Forgot

[scottscidmore.livejournal.com]

BUY stuffing?!? No wonder you don't like it. For some proper dressing/stuffing check out

http://www.livejournal.com/users/lisajulie/10588.html

Re: Forgot

[figmo.livejournal.com]

My mother's stuffing was okay. It's not something I've ever craved; it's something I find palatable, but if given a choice between stuffing and pasta, I'll almost always choose pasta.

[aliza250.livejournal.com]

Where did someone get the idea of cranberry gelatin in a can, slicing it, and serving it on meat?

Cranberry sauce is better on challah.

Fresh cranberries are better suited to putting in tzimmes.

And the holiday meal should be your favorite foods from the whole year, *plus* treats from the bounty of the fall harvest that you don't get at other times of the year. It's hard to remember in these days of January strawberries and April oranges, but there's a simple pleasure in eating foods as they come into season. Just pick the seasonal goodies you like best for your feast.

And you should read holzman's posts about how succulent his turkey came out.

[figmo.livejournal.com]

And you should read holzman's posts about how succulent his turkey came out.

Yeah, but did he make it taste like something other than turkey?

[pafuts.livejournal.com]

Gotta agree with you on the canned cranberry stuff. Did you know it's officially called a "cranberry log"? There was a time when they company that makes the stuff made the can smooth so the ridges wouldn't be there and the outcry from consumers was so loud they put them back?

I make my own cranberry sauce that's very delicious. Cranberries, orange juice, orange zest and a little sugar cooked in a saucepan until thick. Yummmm!

[bardiclug.livejournal.com]

You should try a Turkey that's been deep-fried. Brown and juicy, just as promised. :)

I like everything on the Thanksgiving table, and I think the reason we don't eat it every week is it's just too darned much work to do for a Wednesday night. You need a special occasion to put that much work into a meal, and Thanksgiving is as good an occasion as I can think of.

And yes, we eat turkey all year long. Really.

Although this year for Thanksgiving we are having Rolled Pork Roast. :)

And I even like the cranberry log. Although Amanda's cranberry sauce is MUCH better.

But perhaps the generational brainwashing has just hit me hard, and I don't know what I'm talking about. Meanwhile - pass the stuffing.

Happy Thanksgiving!!

[mactavish.livejournal.com]

I've always really liked it. I liked white meat better when I was a kid, but now I prefer dark. It's generally moister. I don't like it as much as I do chicken, though.

[it-aint-easy.livejournal.com]

:{D} Wow, Lynn. I just made part of this same rant to Beckett this morning. That's too funny. The radio station we were listening to had a report from some psychologist, saying that the reason that people get so excited about the Thanksgiving food is that we only have most of those things once a year, and that if they were served once a week, nobody would be impressed by them. (The [obviously brainwashed] radio guy said "She wants to serve a Thanksgiving dinner every week? I want to live with this woman!") I then spoke of how I thought the only saving grace of Thanksgiving dinner (other than biscuits and potatoes that you see year-round) was the pumpkin pie (although I'll agree that it's a concept I never would have come up with). Turkey is edible, but really mediocre fare: certainly nothing to get excited about. "Oh, you're out of pork, beef, and chicken? Well I guess turkey would be OK, then." I always preferred the years when we had ham.

[cleverthylacine]

I really dislike ham, but a lot of the reason that turkey tastes so bad is that it hardly resembles the original bird. Wild turkeys are wily little gits that are hard to bring down.

Farm turkeys have been bred for an overabundance of white meat, which means that they can't even fly. Also, white meat is the dryest meat on any kind of bird.

[lysana.livejournal.com]

I wasn't brainwashed into liking turkey. I'll eat it out-of-season as well. The biggest reasons I don't that often are that it's a bloody bother to do a whole bird and the turkey parts sold year-round aren't always as cheap as the chicken right next to it.

I stopped eating mashed potatoes to the degree I started out doing when I switched to a controlled carb diet, and I'll agree with you... they are library paste. The only reason I like anybody's potatoes is if they have garlic within and butter and gravy on top. Hell, for those three, I'll do my mashed cauliflower instead and like it better.

And you're right, sweet potatoes don't need to be candied. Cinnamon, nutmeg and butter are all they need to be special.

Wow. That makes a second veggie I adore that you can't eat. If I ended up allergic to string beans or mushrooms, I'd be pissed at this stage in my life.

[tibicina.livejournal.com]

As with the others, I really do like turkey, it's just a lot of work and you need a lot of people to eat a whole one or you need to commit to eating turkey for the next week and I tend to like more variety than that. But we sometimes do a turkey for Christmas as well and occasionally we'll cook one off season.

For the record on tappioca, the guy who found out that it was edible if you cooked was trying to kill himself. He'd gotten lost in a jungle and had no food left so rather than starving to death he decided to kill himself by eating something he knew was poisonous, but he didn't want to eat it straight so he cooked it. Turns out if you cook it, it neutralizes the poison.

[dglenn.livejournal.com]

Hmm. I was commenting at dinner that although most people seem to think of turkey as the essential Thanksgiving dish, even before I became a vegetarian it was always the cranberry sauce, not the turkey, that I looked forward to. (I didn't figure out the cranberry sauce was supposed to go on the turkey until after I stopped eating turkey (which was long before I stopped eating meat altogether); I figured it was supposed to go atop the mashed potatoes.) But over the years my tastes have changed, so now it's good-and-interesing homemade cranberry sauce that appeals to me, not the stuff from a can.

And I like good (or even middling) mashed potatoes; only really bad mashed potatoes remind me in any way of paste. But bad mashed potatoes are bad twice: once for being difficult to eat, and again for the disappointment when I've been expecting better. Where I agree with you is the sweet potatoes: sweet potatoes are yummy yummy yummy, but if you candy them they can wind up too sweet to appreciate any other aspect of their flavour, and they're sweet enough just from being cooked at all. (And marshmallows on top? Sheesh!) I've never been fond of stuffing, which makes things a little awkward when somebody cooks a separate batch just so I can have some that wasn't tainted by being inside the bird. And though I have had some pretty nifty pumpkin pie (Maugorn makes a really unusual but yummy version), if given a choice between pumpkin and some other fruit, I'll go for apple or cherry.

BTW, if I understand correctly, the right way to get the turkey that golden-brown colour involves a blowtorch. (Not for the cooking as a whole, just for that finishing touch.) But I can't say that I took good notes, since I'm rather unlikely to ever need to cook a turkey.

Anyhow, it is interesting what foods "have to" be present at particular holidays.

[keristor.livejournal.com]

In the UK turkey is an all-year food, but most people only cook it for themselves at Christmas (since the decline in family -- and oven -- sizes means that the traditional goose is not practical). I much prefer turkey to chicken, it actually has taste (unlike chicken unless you cover it with spices like KFC) and has a decent amount of dark meat.

If your turkey is dry and non-brown then you're not cooking it properly. And that isn't difficult, if you have a real oven (/not/ microwave!). And get the bird "free-range", not battery farmed, preferably straight from a farm you can inspect.

(Pumpkin pie, on the other hand, is only marginally less bad than pumpkins in any other form...)

[figmo.livejournal.com]

I don't like the taste turkey has, which is why I much prefer chicken. Good chicken has taste.

[cleverthylacine]

It isn't possible to get small geese? (I love goose, but I don't live with anyone except a seven-pound cat.)

[figmo.livejournal.com]

I saw some frozen ones at the store today; I'd rate them as smaller than turkeys, but larger than chicken or ducks.

[filkerdave.livejournal.com]

Hrm.

I *like* turkey. I cook it on a regular basis (or did before I had a dairy only kitchen). I like the taste, I like the smell, I like nibbling on it as I carve it.

So there.

(Of course, the best way to cook a turkey so that it stays juicy is either deep-fry or breast-side down)

[ladysprite.livejournal.com]

I just had smoked turkey for the first time this year, and I was in food-heaven.

Then again, I like turkey on general principle, and would eat it a lot more often if it weren't so huge and inconvenient.

Now comes the joy of turkey sandwiches, and turkey soup, and turkey tetrazinni, and.... yum.

[pafuts.livejournal.com]

On the subject of mashed potatoes. They will be richer and have more flavor if you stir in some cream cheese along with the milk and butter.

[figmo.livejournal.com]

It's not so much the flavor but the mouth feel I so dislike in mashed potatoes. Adding cream cheese makes it ickier for me.

[gregbo.livejournal.com]

I always liked turkey. However, I never liked cranberry sauce. I don't like sweet potatoes much either.

I sometimes eat turkey at other times besides Thanksgiving and Christmas, but it does cost more than chicken.

[figmo.livejournal.com]

At Nob Hill (the same one where I ran into you recently) I saw them both going for the same price today -- $1.99/lb.

[browngirl.livejournal.com]

Why is it that the response to "I don't like X food" is always "*I* like it/you should try it X way/you're not cooking it right/my mother's..." Maybe there's just a flavor to turkey that *you don't like*; from your discussion of turkey and ostrich, I think that must be the case. I'm sorry that you felt compelled to choke down the Traditional Thanksgiving Meal. I hope you got a chance to go out for something spicy and yummy soon afterwards.

Besides, if you don't like turkey that means more for me. *wink*
*grin*

*huggles*,
A

[cleverthylacine]

Because people are proselytizing idiots? At least a lot of them are. They want everyone to have the same religion/food tastes/sexual habits as themselves, or their tiny little brains go 'tilt'. I don't get it either.

[figmo.livejournal.com]

Me three.

I grew up in a household where everyone had distinctly different tastes in food and other stuff. In retrospect it must've been a nightmare for my mother to cook for the four of us. As it is, my brother and I seem to have opposite tastes in food, and it gets rather annoying when I'm visiting and she mixes us up, as I immensely dislike most of his favorite foods and vice-versa.

[figmo.livejournal.com]

Warren took so long to finish work on his car that by the time we got to his folks' house they'd already eaten, thus freeing me from having to do so. I instead ate a piroshki I had in the freezer and enjoyed it much more.

[bardiclug.livejournal.com]

I believe in this case it is because the original statement was "I don't like X, and if you DO like it, it's because you're brainwashed" or (one would assume) otherwise less-able.

[figmo.livejournal.com]

I never understood how so many people could go ga-ga over a food I have never ever ever liked even a teensy tiny bit. I would see people who wouldn't eat anything remotely similar to it eagerly anticipate it as I was growing up, and given the nature of the way I was brought up, I could only believe that a lot of them had to have been brainwashed into thinking they liked this food.

Now, obviously, there are folks who actually do like turkey et al (such as you and pafuts, and that's fine. I accept that, but I'm still convinced most folks who gush over the traditional Thanksgiving dinner have been brainwashed into thinking they like it.

[cleverthylacine]

I don't like turkey very much, but I like it better than ham, which is the other thing most people serve at holiday meals in America. I prefer wild to farm turkey and fresh to frozen. Free-range chicken tastes nicer, though.

I will only occasionally eat thin slices of ham with swiss cheese, and the occasional bacon. The rest of the time, I don't eat pork, and if I was told I could never eat pork again for the rest of my life, I wouldn't cry.

Lamb and beef are another matter entirely. Those are my favorites.

And I do rather like durian. But you don't have to!

I seriously think it's amusing that people think that everyone in the world will share their tastes. I absolutely despise any kind of sweet sauce/flavoring on meat, and am constantly told I'd like it if so-and-so made it, but I never ever do.

[figmo.livejournal.com]

Wow. I have to agree on you with the turkey vs. ham thing. I detest ham too.

Bacon, I adore, but I don't eat it often because it's not a healthy thing for me to eat. Lamb is also IMHO nummy. I love the flavor of beef, but if I try to eat a solid hunk of it I get really sick to my stomach. I lost the enzymes to handle it years ago when forced to eat filet mignon while recovering from a stomach virus.

I've tried durian -- fresh -- and couldn't get past the rotting garbage smell to the butterscotch pudding part. I wanted to like it, too...sigh. Maybe if I'd had frozen it'd have been different. I plan on giving durian another try if it's frozen to see if I can get past the stench, especially if I can do so when my sinuses are acting up.

Differing tastes (no, really)

[catsittingstill.livejournal.com]

One of the things I learned way back when in college is that some people can taste chemicals other people just can't. Taste buds really do differ, depending what genes you carry. So the reason you hate turkey may be that you can taste something in the turkey that most people just never notice.

I hate cranberry sauce--to me even the fresh-made stuff has a bitter metallic aftertaste that I hate. My mother can't taste this at all; fortunately she accepts that different people have different tastes and doesn't get bent out of shape if we decline this dish or that. Meanwhile, I love broccoli, but some people can perceive a chemical in it that makes it taste skunky. Well, no wonder they don't like it.

Turkey--eh. I can take it or leave it. Kip and I had chicken for dinner on Thanksgiving, mostly because 1) there's only two of us; what would we do with twenty pounds of turkey? and 2) my back is getting better but I still don't want to wrestle a hot, greasy turkey in and out of the oven. And 3) this was only the second time I'd roasted a chicken; doing a turkey intimidates me.

But Thanksgiving should be a meal you enjoy. If turkey doesn't do it for you, have something else. We had a perfectly nice thanksgiving once that was just bowls of nibble foods laid out for people to graze on.

[teddywolf.livejournal.com]

*shrug*
I like turkey that's properly cooked. I've had it improperly cooked and, well, then it sucks. I do like the flavor. At times I do prefer turkey to chicken. No, I wasn't brainwashed (my parents would *love* me to eat chopped liver)

I will not address advertising except to mention that it is possible to cook a tasty (for people who like the taste of it) turkey that is in fact golden skinned and juicy throughout.

I've never touched canned cranberry sauce. I don't care for cranberry sauce even if its the good stuff though.

Sweet potatoes... I can do without the marshmallows. I do find that brown sugar can be a nice flavor that does, yes, add sweetness. If it's sweet enough it's not needed but the flavor change is nice. All a matter of taste.
Mashed potatoes, some are better than others. Yes, even on the mouthfeel. No, I'm not going to try to convert you at The Altar Of Ultimate Mashed Potatoes. I *will* point out that simply boiling potatoes and mashing them will leave 'em unappetizing for most humans.

Stuffing - heh. There are more versions of stuffing on Heaven and Earth than are dreamt of in your philosophy :-) Mebbe we should leave it at that.

We had chocolate cake for dessert. I never liked pumpkin pie.

My two cents.

[mrlogic.livejournal.com]

I genuinely like turkey in general, but as many others have mentioned it's too much trouble to prepare all the time. I eat a lot of "processed turkey" (deli-style, etc.).

Had the best roast turkey I think I've ever had at my step-brother's house this Thanksgiving. I could hardly stop eating it -- the white meat was incredibly juicy and delicious. His wife said she put butter under the skin, and put a whole lemon, punctured, inside the bird before putting it in the oven.

I like ham too, but didn't get any this TG (although there was ham in the Green Room at LosCon, thanks to whoever put it there...)